If you’re an adult, living in the USA, you’ve probably heard of the show “Adolescence” currently streaming on Netflix. The show tells the story of 13-year-old Jamie, who has been accused of murdering a female student from the school he attends.
Spoiler alert.
It turns out Jamie did indeed commit the horrifying crime and so instead of the traditional “whodunnit” plot, this phenomenal production begs us to ask the more vital question of “why?”
All Behavior has Meaning
As a professional who works with children and adolescents who have experienced developmental trauma and disruptions within their primary attachment relationships, this question is not a new one. In fact, it’s always one of the first questions we ask: “Why the behavior?” Because we know, all behavior has meaning. Sadly, this is approach is often met with frustration, because many misunderstand our attempt to explain the behavior as us excusing it. Which is absolutely not the case. And as “Adolescence” portrays, in its final moments of the final episode, there is no excusing some behaviors, but there is always an opportunity to learn and potential for greater understanding, which might, if we are lucky, allow us the chance to stop that behavior happening again.
So, if you are faced with a child, or adolescent, who has exhibited or engaged in an unhealthy or hurtful behavior, I challenge you to first ask yourself the following questions:
1. “What’s the meaning behind this behavior?”
2. “What need was this young person trying to get met?”
If your answer includes the words: “they just want attention”, I want you to then ask yourself this: “Why do they need my attention?”
If your answer includes the words: “they are choosing to behave that way”, I want you to then ask yourself this: “do they know another option and can they access that option?”
When we start asking the right questions, we start to think about behavior differently, and we start to respond differently. Simply put, we begin to put the person first, and not the behavior.
In the show we learn that Jamie was being bullied by peers and specifically by the girl he murdered.
1. What’s the meaning behind his behavior?
A young boy, embarrassed by peers, perhaps even feeling a sense of shame.
2. What need was this young person trying to get met?
A need for approval, validation, a confirmation of his sense of self.
I want to reiterate. Our recognition of this does not condone his behavior.
However, if we want to stop things like this happening again, we have to start treating the behavior at the root cause, not just for what we see on the surface.
Do You Really Know What Your Kids Are Doing Online?
Another vital question we are forced to ask is “how well do you know your children?” and “do you know what your children are doing online?” How many of us parents and caregivers, if we were brutally honest, would say “not as well as I probably should”? I say this, not to point fingers and lay blame, but instead to prompt reflection and recognition of the fact that as a society we have become increasingly laxed when it comes to the supervision of our children and youth online and on social media.
“But bullies have always been around!” I hear you cry. Believe me, I personally know it. However, before the days of the internet and social media, most of us could escape the bullies: we could retreat to the comfort and safety of our homes and families. Nowadays there is not only no escape but our children’s strengths, challenges, successes, failures,entire lives, can be witnessed (and attacked) by millions.
As a parent myself, the last episode haunted me. Watching the agony of a father who believed he did the best by his child, only to wonder if he could have done better. So, the next questions I want you to ask are:
3. “Was there a sign I missed before this behavior occurred?”
4. “Am I promoting connection with my child or creating disconnection?”
Signs Are There—Are We Paying Attention?
Many might say: “There were no signs, my child didn’t tell me anything.” With kindness, I am here to tell you that there were signs, but without connection, and attunement, and dare I say it, parental involvement and asking the right questions, it’s possible that they were missed.
What does this really mean? It means as parents we need to push past the discomfort of talking with our kids about digital safety, bullying and other hard topics. During childhood and adolescence, we are not here to be our child’s buddy, we are not here to tiptoe around them, instead our job is to help them manage the world around them, and we can only do that if we are informed and connected.
Here are some ways to do just that:
Parent to 14-year-old:
“Hey, I know, I’m old and I don’t always understand the new technology, I want you to tell me about the apps you use with your friends”.
“How do you feel about your friends posting comments on your pictures? Does anyone ever say anything unkind?”
“How do you feel when someone says something unkind? What can you do about that?”
“How do you know if it’s your friend you’re talking to or someone you don’t even know?”
If you are met with resistance, here are some things you can say:
“I understand that you want your independence and privacy but I am here to keep you safe. Let’s see if we can find a way to compromise.”
“Unfortunately, you have been accessing some things online that aren’t ok for you to be looking at. You will be taking a break from your phone until we can come up with a plan together to manage this.”
“I understand that you are mad at me right now. That’s ok. I am here to make sure you are safe. When you are ready, we can talk more about it and find a solution that works for both of us.”
These Conversations Matter Now More Than Ever
We cannot shy away from the challenges that the tech-driven world our children live in comes with. Instead, we must find ways to have difficult conversations with empathy and understanding, and room for collaboration. This is the first step in making sure situations like the one in “Adolescence” don’t happen again.
